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Delivery is the worst form of closet eating. No one will ever know how much you’ve ordered. Even if your neighbors see the delivery person making frequent stops, they have no idea if you are on your first or fourth meal of the day (thank you Taco Bell), because you have no one you have to lie to. If you want to physically make delivery impossible, you need to move to a really secure apartment complex and live on the highest floor with limited access. It takes the convenience out of someone showing up at your door and just giving you a bag full of grease. The harder it is on you (forget the delivery guy, this is his job), the less likely you are to order takeout. Can’t move to a high rise? Want to hide the shame? Follow these three simple steps:

1. Use the word “WE” as often as possible. Remember, you are ordering for two people (so they think), so you need to play to the reality of this web of lies. When placing an order, be sure to include phrases such as: “We’d like to place an order for delivery,” “we’re going to need extra sweet and sour sauce,” or “do you have drinks for sale? We are totally out of everything but water.”

2. Always order two different soft drinks. Preferably diet drinks, because you need something to negate your 5,000 calorie order. If there was ever a doubt in the hipster college dude’s mind that you were ordering all this food for one person, it will totally be washed from his brain when he hears two separate drink orders.

3. When they come to the door, have a name for your significant other. Mine’s name is Trey. So it looks something like this:

Delivery guy: Hey, how’s it going? You have an order for Beef & Broccoli, General Tsao’s, Shrimp Fried Rice, four egg rolls, 1/2 order of fried crab wontons and a Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper?

Me: Yes, that’s us. Hang on a second…Trey, did you leave the money out? (Alternatively: Trey, can you come grab the dog for a second?) Wait for “Trey” to answer, and respond to his answer. If the delivery guy didn’t hear him (which he won’t), he won’t question you because he would have to come into your house to confirm Trey is there and he knows Trey would beat him up if he did.

It sounds like a lot of work, but after a few Sunday nights, you’ll have the routine down. After years of using the same delivery, my delivery guy even says, “Tell Trey I said what’s up!” He probably doesn’t even realize he’s never met Trey, but at this point, who cares. We’re family!

If you’re ever at a drive thru, you can pull this stunt, too. Just start off by saying, “We’ll have the…” and then you can order as much food as you want. The girl at the drive thru counter probably isn’t judging you, but it’s a safe bet. If you really want to mess with the people at the drive thru, when you pull up to the window, hand the food to someone (invisible person/Trey) in the back seat and ask them to “check it and make sure we have everything.” This will drive them crazy 100 percent of the time and make them think they are seeing (or not seeing) things.

For more comedy from Amanda Austin, visit Amanda Austin Comedy.

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