Search
Exact matches only
Search in title
Search in content
Search in comments
Search in excerpt
Filter by Custom Post Type
{ "homeurl": "http://rismedia.com/", "resultstype": "vertical", "resultsposition": "hover", "itemscount": 4, "imagewidth": 70, "imageheight": 70, "resultitemheight": "auto", "showauthor": 0, "showdate": 0, "showdescription": 1, "charcount": 3, "noresultstext": "No results!", "didyoumeantext": "Did you mean:", "defaultImage": "http://rismedia.com/wp-content/plugins/ajax-search-pro/img/default.jpg", "highlight": 0, "highlightwholewords": 1, "openToBlank": 0, "scrollToResults": 0, "resultareaclickable": 1, "autocomplete": { "enabled": 1, "googleOnly": 1, "lang": "en", "mobile": 1 }, "triggerontype": 1, "triggeronclick": 1, "triggeronreturn": 1, "triggerOnFacetChange": 1, "trigger": { "delay": 300, "autocomplete_delay": 310 }, "overridewpdefault": 0, "override_method": "post", "redirectonclick": 0, "redirectClickTo": "results_page", "redirect_on_enter": 0, "redirectEnterTo": "results_page", "redirect_url": "?s={phrase}", "settingsimagepos": "left", "settingsVisible": 0, "hresulthidedesc": "0", "prescontainerheight": "400px", "pshowsubtitle": "0", "pshowdesc": "1", "closeOnDocClick": 1, "iifNoImage": "description", "iiRows": 2, "iiGutter": 5, "iitemsWidth": 200, "iitemsHeight": 200, "iishowOverlay": 1, "iiblurOverlay": 1, "iihideContent": 1, "loaderLocation": "auto", "analytics": 0, "analyticsString": "", "show_more": { "url": "?s={phrase}", "action": "ajax" }, "mobile": { "trigger_on_type": 1, "trigger_on_click": 1, "hide_keyboard": 0 }, "compact": { "enabled": 1, "width": "200px", "closeOnMagnifier": 1, "closeOnDocument": 0, "position": "fixed", "overlay": 0 }, "animations": { "pc": { "settings": { "anim" : "fadedrop", "dur" : 300 }, "results" : { "anim" : "fadedrop", "dur" : 300 }, "items" : "fadeInDown" }, "mob": { "settings": { "anim" : "fadedrop", "dur" : 300 }, "results" : { "anim" : "fadedrop", "dur" : 300 }, "items" : "voidanim" } }, "autop": { "state": "disabled", "phrase": "", "count": 10 } }
Select Page

Delivery is the worst form of closet eating. No one will ever know how much you’ve ordered. Even if your neighbors see the delivery person making frequent stops, they have no idea if you are on your first or fourth meal of the day (thank you Taco Bell), because you have no one you have to lie to. If you want to physically make delivery impossible, you need to move to a really secure apartment complex and live on the highest floor with limited access. It takes the convenience out of someone showing up at your door and just giving you a bag full of grease. The harder it is on you (forget the delivery guy, this is his job), the less likely you are to order takeout. Can’t move to a high rise? Want to hide the shame? Follow these three simple steps:

1. Use the word “WE” as often as possible. Remember, you are ordering for two people (so they think), so you need to play to the reality of this web of lies. When placing an order, be sure to include phrases such as: “We’d like to place an order for delivery,” “we’re going to need extra sweet and sour sauce,” or “do you have drinks for sale? We are totally out of everything but water.”

2. Always order two different soft drinks. Preferably diet drinks, because you need something to negate your 5,000 calorie order. If there was ever a doubt in the hipster college dude’s mind that you were ordering all this food for one person, it will totally be washed from his brain when he hears two separate drink orders.

3. When they come to the door, have a name for your significant other. Mine’s name is Trey. So it looks something like this:

Delivery guy: Hey, how’s it going? You have an order for Beef & Broccoli, General Tsao’s, Shrimp Fried Rice, four egg rolls, 1/2 order of fried crab wontons and a Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper?

Me: Yes, that’s us. Hang on a second…Trey, did you leave the money out? (Alternatively: Trey, can you come grab the dog for a second?) Wait for “Trey” to answer, and respond to his answer. If the delivery guy didn’t hear him (which he won’t), he won’t question you because he would have to come into your house to confirm Trey is there and he knows Trey would beat him up if he did.

It sounds like a lot of work, but after a few Sunday nights, you’ll have the routine down. After years of using the same delivery, my delivery guy even says, “Tell Trey I said what’s up!” He probably doesn’t even realize he’s never met Trey, but at this point, who cares. We’re family!

If you’re ever at a drive thru, you can pull this stunt, too. Just start off by saying, “We’ll have the…” and then you can order as much food as you want. The girl at the drive thru counter probably isn’t judging you, but it’s a safe bet. If you really want to mess with the people at the drive thru, when you pull up to the window, hand the food to someone (invisible person/Trey) in the back seat and ask them to “check it and make sure we have everything.” This will drive them crazy 100 percent of the time and make them think they are seeing (or not seeing) things.

For more comedy from Amanda Austin, visit Amanda Austin Comedy.


Buying/Selling Consumer Luxury National Spotlights
475472880
Consumer Spending to Drive Growth for 2016

The economic growth outlook for the second half of the year...

No Preview
Fueling the Referral Pipeline

Looking for more referrals? In the following interview, mother-daughter duo Linda...

No Preview
Elsa Nelson: Local Icon, Global Presence

It was 28 years ago that noted real estate veteran Elsa...

Agent Broker Coaching Lead Gen Teams
No Preview
Fueling the Referral Pipeline

Looking for more referrals? In the following interview, mother-daughter duo Linda...

No Preview
Elsa Nelson: Local Icon, Global Presence

It was 28 years ago that noted real estate veteran Elsa...

No Preview
Michael Mahon: A Strong Core Enables Growth

Dissecting the Ohio real estate market in 2016 yields similar results...

Agent Best Practices Branding Broker Niche
La Habra, United States - July 12, 2016: Macro closeup image of pokemon go game app icon among other icons on an iphone smartphone device. Pokemon Go is a popular virtual reality game for mobile devices.
Pokémon GO for Real Estate – Must or Bust?

If you’re anything like me, your social media newsfeeds look a...

Man inputing data on laptop and holding mobile phone in another hand.
Boost Your Online Presence with More .REALTOR Options

Website addresses that end in .REALTOR provide instant recognition as a...

Person. More>>
4 Ways to Update Your Digital Persona

Your digital presence is more important than ever, and now is...

Agent Apps/Gadgets Best Practices Broker Innovation
Woman holding tablet
Stay Connected to Your Business When You’re on the Go

As a busy real estate professional, you’re likely most productive when...

snapchat_real_estate_665x350
Why Snapchat Is Pure Gold for REALTORS®

There is a huge amount of attention being paid to Snapchat...

Group of business people at the office communicate
The ‘Smart Sign™’: Made for Today’s Mobile Consumer

When it comes to impacting human behavior, the internet has nothing...

Business Insights Content Generation Marketing Trends
000042086008_Double.jpg
Expanding Your Client Base through Social Media

Today’s buyer will search online at some point during the buying...

Facebook_Live_665x350
Facebook Live the Latest Trend to Infiltrate the Open House Scene

Drumming up interest in an open house may be about as...

Computer white keyboard with webinar
Beyond Likes: Move Past the Competition with a Next-Gen Social Media Strategy

Go where the competition isn’t! Move beyond Facebook with a stand-out...

Buying/Selling For Your Clients Home Improvement How-To Lifestyle
482805813
8 Ways to Stop Worrying about Money

(TNS)—Are worries about money keeping you up at night? You’re not...

183874628
Aging in Place Calls for Strategic Planning

(TNS)—Downsizing is not an easy decision—but a smart one if you...

woman looks in despair as the kitchen gets flooded
Leading by Example: Florida Real Estate Professional Espouses Benefits of Home Warranty Products

If you want to know why Watson Realty’s Dori Mackoul Dekle,...

manhattan
RISMedia’s CEO Exchange

RISMedia’s 2016 Real Estate CEO Exchange September 13 & 14, 2016...

Capital Building, Washington
RISMedia’s Power Broker Forum at the NAR REALTORS® Legislative Meetings & Trade Expo

RISMedia’s Power Broker Forum at the REALTORS® Legislative Meetings & Trade Expo...

PB-annual
RISMedia’s Power Broker Forum, Reception & Dinner – Annual

RISMedia Power Broker Events 2016 Orlando, Fla. Friday, November 4, 2016...